The Anxiety Of Living Abroad During a Pandemic

Dear diary,

Already it’s frustrating enough. Soul wrecking enough to live through the pandemic. The anxiety it comes with, my word. To top the anxiety brought up by the pandemic each day we have to show up as best as we can because life must go on right? Now imagine the anxiety of living abroad during a pandemic with no chances of seeing your family unless you just quit your job and go back home. How can we possibly pause for a second and resume after a little while when no time ever waits for no man? If only that was possible, I would pause for a little while from life’s demands. I feel I am faced with two crises all at once, they both might not have the same effect but they both affect me to the extremes.

I am often not a person who suffers from anxiety which I thank the Lord with every opportunity I get but man this pandemic! It has brought all of that and more. Each day I see people losing loved ones. When I say each day I mean each and every single day. There hasn’t been a single day of breathing away from death since the pandemic started claiming lives from humankind.

Each day all I see is death and the aftermath of the pandemic. People are left in devastation due to a loss of a loved one, loss of a job, loss of a business failing. Loss of everything. Often times I wonder. Should I ever lose another loved one amid the pandemic. What will I do?

Will I have to choose between being an adult who’s just as vulnerable and pack my bags and go back home? Or suck it up and be ready to take up responsibilities should things ever go south with my family and they lose their jobs. Then I will be the only one left with a stable job. Leaving me with the option I dread the most. Which is choosing to stay in China either way and mourn by myself. Cry myself to sleep and wake up the next day. Show up at work because I have no funeral to prepare towards?

It’s hard! Pretty hard.

I am suffering from what I refer to as fear of death. A friend could simply text me, “Hey!” and so many thoughts would start running through my head. “Why is there an exclamation mark in the text?”, “Something is definitely wrong. I can’t reply now, I am not ready to hear anymore sad news.” only to find out that she was just checking up on me but I am anxious. I am living on the edge almost each and every day.

4 Responses

  1. Babalo says:

    “I am suffering from what I refer to as fear of death.” I relate to this statement and for the longest of time it has made me an anxious person I think this is the root of my anxiety. Back in varsity I used to go home every chance I get not because I wanted but sometimes its because I wanted to check on my parents if they are well and alive. My dad hardly calls and when he does I always think oh Lord something must have happened to my mom. If its not that when his phone is off I always think there is something wrong with him.

    • Oh my word it’s just not a great place to be in honestly and how do we overcome something like this really? And now that we are living in these Covid times it’s just not easy at all. I hope that through it all, we find strength and wisdom to move forward. 🤍✨

  2. Karabo Xazi says:

    Smack, bam on the nail! Getting messages from loved ones or receiving “a please call me” like I do, from my SA number hits hard, you never know what your loved ones that you left on the other side of the world are trying to tell you.

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